Three Things We Tackled in Therapy

Picture by Wyldflwr Creative Co. Lifestyle

Before our third son was born, we went though a rough season in our marriage. We couldn’t figure out how to effectively communicate with each other, the littlest things set us off, and we definitely weren’t spending fulfilling quality time together. We were exhausted from trying all the things ourselves to get out of the rut we were in - so after some conversations with the people close to us, we signed up for couples therapy.

Going to our first session was incredibly hard. I’m pretty sure we had an argument on the way there, we didn’t know what to expect, and to be honest, I didn’t want to really be there.

When we stepped into our therapist’s office, we were instructed to sit down on the couch, and took our places on opposite ends - as far as we could get from each other. She introduced herself, and asked us to give her a snapshot of who we were, how we met, and why we were in to see her. After sharing, she shared some notes she took during our exchange and gave us some ideas of where we could start.

By the end of our session, we were sent home with homework which was to talk with one another about our feelings 2-3 times a day (using stronger words than frustrated or angry from a feelings chart she handed us), and to work on a few other small actions before the next week.

The next week rolled around and we weren’t excited to go - one bit. We had “completed the homework”, but honestly we ended up doing it last minute to make it look like we did the work.

After a short check-in, we were invited to bring up situations at home that were making it hard for us to connect. Here were a few ways we wanted to improve :

◦ Manage the expectations we had concerning the roles in our relationship.

◦ Find ways to ask each other for moments to pursue our personal goals.

◦ Develop an intimacy lifestyle guide (who would initiate when & how often we would need it).

Going through these topics with the therapist, we both got a chance to communicate what was bothering us, what we appreciated, and how we would like the other to “step up their game.” With a third person in our conversation we were able to eliminate our communication barriers, and figure out how to be a team again.

After our third session together, I asked my husband if we could stop going to couples counseling because during the process I realized how much personal work I needed to go through before I could get through a couples session without feeling intense shame. With some of the things I experienced in my past, shame was a learned response I had picked up, and even when we weren’t playing “the blame game,” I was feeling it.

While we didn’t finish our ten planned sessions in therapy, the sessions we did get through got us started with talking about the stuff that we didn’t know how to approach. We both learned how to engage in meaningful conversation, and effectively communicate our wants and needs to one another. For us, that was a total win.

In the future, we plan to go back to couples counseling to learn even more ways to better communicate with, support, and love each other.

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If you or someone you know needs someone to talk to, or a referral for a licensed therapist, message me anytime!